abandoned to Love and Grace

And Life is a road and I want to keep going
Love is a river I want to keep flowing
Life is a road now and forever
A Wonderful journey

I went for my swim a day befor yesterday, the clouds of rain and thunderstorm were looming above my puny head and i cant help by pray that as long as im in the pool, Lord You wont make it rain.
Thankfully and awesome-ly, it didn’t rain at all, till i reached home safe and sound then it rained like it was gonna flood. hahaha. Prayers do work!!

anw, i found out yesterday that i can get a job at a place working as a kitchen crew! i might wanna consider since im out of cash, my meals have been confined to home and home prepared and cooked and i think a job might help. What more, i can learn abit of cooking too, hee hee. My secret passion.

the weather has been terrible, its bright and hot in the morning and cats and dogs in the afternoon evening. Cant even exercise, been getting  flu like on and off and periodic headaches. mad i tell you. must be the weather.

been too lazy and lethargic these days, ahhh, help me

christopher

im totally abandoned to You.

Got nothing left in me to run away, got nothing in me that makes me any better.

beholding your beauty is all that i long for

when i have no ways to explain myself, i lean on God’s strength.

christopher

Walking,stumbling on these shadowfeet
toward home,a land that i’ve never seen

Under the layers of pretense, there is a fragile soul.
Week in week out, i see, but i pretend not to, i put up a wall so you’ll never know.

Funny how they say, like father like son, when tonight i realized how world apart we are. How different in our mindsets, and approaches, and really,  im just…. amazed that i’m somewhat different.
Cause like they used to say, like father like son.

i was also very very grateful to God, cause i thought that im borned FINE and tried and tested to be all functioning when many people in the world are not, and are suffering for it.

my heart breaks for hurting people who have no parents and for children especially, who have not been loved. Makes me want to do YWAM dts. I think i really want to do it.

i want to… be with God, cook, run, swim, gym, soccer, basketball, study, read, watch tv, play the guitar, sing, play the piano, drums, be a lifeguard, learn a martial arts, learn photography, find you.

running never felt so liberating.

im officially missing you

christopher

can you see what i see?

so, im not into astrology or anything, it just amuses me since i was talking to a leo friend last night, hahaa.

i posted long time ago before that i wanted to sweep someone off her feet.

An Aries man has a lust for adventure so if you are thinking about having a relationship with an Aries man, be prepared for fast-paced adventure, novelty and excitement. He is always eager to try new things – including relationships. That is not to say that every Aries man will only provide an exciting and short-lived relationship, but this is usually the case. He might stick around if you are the type of woman that enjoys having the man take the lead and basking in his glory. He enjoys challenge so if you are the woman to offer challenges to him – like playing hard to get – he might stick around longer. Remember, this man is all about the thrill of the chase. Do not however, act as if you don’t care about him. He needs you to be “swept off your feet” by him. Appear innocent- hard-to-get and he will be wrapped around your little finger. Never take advantage of the Aries man because his short temper will turn into a fury of anger and he way leave and never look back.

HAHAHA.

of course,  im not one for being superstitious and even more so, letting some stars i was born under decide what im like because certain traits of an aries they’ve stated, i am not. hahahaha.

then again, its creepy.

christopher

Joy of the Lord be my strength

has no meaning in suffering, it has no meaning in a comfortable chair.

The Joy of the Lord be my true strength in trials.
thats where i know i can stand.

christopher

was it something that i said? or didnt say this time

like a flare in the night sky, you dont see.

the oblivious obvious,

thats how it is to me.

why wont you take a look, take a chance, see what you cant?

im in a dilemma, why cant you see it?

christopher

Dilemma : A situation that requires a choice between options that are or seem equally unfavorable or mutually exclusive.

im gonna start work at 1130 when i wanted to start at 7. hahahah, am so screwed for ED presentation.

christopher

“Walk By Faith”

Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

[chorus]
Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to win my endless fears
You’ve been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

[chorus]

Well I’m broken- but I still see Your face
Well You’ve spoken- pouring Your words of grace

[chorus x2]

Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)
Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)

I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith
I will, I will, I will walk by faith

i will sing, i will praise, even in my darkest hour, through the sorrow and the pain

im only… 19.
i should be entitled to game all day, pig out on food, get a girlfriend, experience life to its fullest! Have fun out at late nights, chilling by the beach on weekends. Hanging out at friend’s houses watching dumb lame shows and laughing the night away.  Not caring what the world thinks and live life the way i want it to.
Why, do i feel so small? With so much other things to think about, why do i have to think about cell groups, think about the structure, think about how it all will work out and it isnt my work but God’s work. Why do I have to be this, that, restrained, why do i have to think this way? to look at life differently, to exercise a bigger portion of patience, grace, love and self control when i really cant, and when i am so fallible. Why does it all seem immensely bigger than me, but God being bigger than me is even more overwhelming. Why do i have to sit in a meeting of 25 over years old young adults just to feel so small in it. Heck, i feel like im not up to it, WHY PUT ME THERE.

why do i have to be who i am when sometimes i dont want to even be me, if that even makes a fraction sense.

and all for it, to know myself that i am and will not be appreciated, and i am not supposed to do for the appreciation anyway.

but for a moment, it feels like shit to be me seriously. Like i was thought of second or not thought of for and just used.

^{Job 2:10
10} He replied, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.

shall we accept good from God and not trouble? sigh

for the moments rambling and whining and an all come judge the living daylights outta me kinda tone i had, i just needed to let that all out, the moments frustration since this morning, since yesterday, since i dont know when.
I. must. let. out.

primary school kids these days also, know the word emo already. How times have changed.
ashley(Nat’s cousin) probably wont see this, but she totally made my day today, haha

christopher

go amplify your anger somewhere else and dont let it resonate in me.

cause I don’t wanna let you go, I dont wanna lose you slowly

as surely as the sun rises everyday, my Lord is with me.
surely Lord, i am not waiting in vain, surely you have my future in Your hands and in Your plans
surely, as long as i have faith and wait.

inspired, inspired.

week 2 is coming to end soon and i have this urge to sit down and study before i lose this momentum of wanting to get things done.

today i decided to take a night swim and because i dont wear my specs plus it was at night and it was kinda dark, i kinda got freaked out by this old lady hiding underneath the bridge humming some… tune.
Immediately, thoughts of freaked face multiple snake hairs mermaid with huge teeth and jet black eyes coiling herself around me, slowly devouring me entered my mind and i actually paused before going into the pool.

ah what the heck, who am i kidding, there are no such thing as mermaids and she was an old lady taking a swim too using the resonance of the bridge to amplify her voice.

I DID, hesitate though… for a moment. Why? I am a strong guy that can beat down any freaked face mermaids man.

i want to eat sandwich and drink chocolate cream chip frap

christopher

And everything You hold in Your hand
Still you make time for me
I can’t understand
Praise You God of Earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love

Matthew 13:31-32
The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. Though it is the smallest of all your seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and perch in its branches.”

when Rufus shared this, and the same thought that he mentioned he had, i had too.
“cant you just have the faith to move with me? then i everything bao ga liao, cant you have the faith and let me do the big things?”

it was all i needed to hear.

after soccer yesterday, i think i pushed myself too hard, my back ached all the way through my hips to my thighs in out and calves. Crazy aches, i almost couldnt get up this morning, like literally cannot get up.
My walking speed decreased by like… 50%! hahahaha.

time to get on my momentum for work work work.

to the kids who are facing the dreaded cold hall of doom which you see almost every day for the next few weeks and somehow will have an attachment to the hall after awhile and not want to leave it and probably wont see this till i dont know when and probably already received my message.

All the best (: Prayers will not go unheard.

christopher

I can tell you one thing
We’re not better on our own
I’m tired of running, from my feelings
Are you listening?
Are you listening?

when life goes on, and things happen for a reason, when it is a dilemma sometimes the decision to you is harder to make then it seems to others. I sure dont want to be away from God.

Tonight, i stood by God, with all my strength.

and im so thankful its over.

IS classes were pretty alright, Ethical Dilemmas  was really interesting and challenging and same with world issues, singapore perspective. All exciting stuff.
But it was funny how for the first class, i only recognize two persons and it felt so foreign to be in that class. Thank goodness tim and rachel were with me for the other one.

Almost the end of the first week of school and im satisfied.

well kinda..

christopher

Georgia, you know that you’ve been on my mind

i really really really dislike, really really dislike, short tempers.

i see it so evident in my family, tempers shorter than toothpick and attitudes bigger than the universe.
Okay maybe im exaggerating, but it had become in me to really hate short tempers and flare ups for small mistakes and small things. I cannot stand impatience, even in myself.

which is also why, when im angry, or i get pissed, it means you REALLY have pissed me off.

that how was my day started.. terribly…

but nothing like tau huay and youtiao with my dad to make it right.

christopher

Sunday morning rain is falling

i like it when it rains

i cannot take it… alot of spices swimming in stomach. Feels terrible, somemore i drank milk after.. after the game. That wretched game… ha ha ha.

but fun lah.

anw, first day of school was kinda boring.. abit, but it felt mighty awesome to be back, to see construction going on that we dont know about, and to see buddy seabass in the aqualab and to sit in the cold lecture hall and eat SIM food, wear lab coat and berms and making noise in class, talk rubbish to the TSO, and to just enjoy the company.

awesome

first time i spent my night doing work and actually using my time wisely instead of just stoning in front of the com, organized my week.. kinda and attempted to complete my practical report. played some guitar and chilledz man.

._. this is my confused about life, no idea what i am to do, having a weird feeling, not entirely sad but not entirely happy either, mood face.

now im ._.

last thing… it just feels like, its weird and i. dont. know. why.
if you think its referring to you or a situation then maybe or maybe not, then if it isnt, then ignorance to you might be bliss but its not to me.

christopher

I’m the hero of the story
Don’t need to be saved

this morning, the sky was dark, and it rained like no tomorrow at around 730 plus.
Then it suddenly cleared immediately at around 8 plus. Certainly… Jesus calms the storm.

I was thinking on hindsight and replying annabel through email when i realised.
I finally know, how it feels like to shame the name of Jesus Christ and to be called a christian when.. i havent been any good.
It feels awful.

School is starting tmr! what a sad thing cause its my last semester in poly and a sad post about how good this journey has been will come later. For now, im just glad im going back to school cause it feels waaay better to be a student and no wonder the guys in army tell me to treasure this time. indeed.
Poly.. whenever i tell someone that i might not continue what im doing in UNI, the first thing they ask me… “then not wasted meh???” honestly? it hasnt, i’ve grown tremendous during this period, good bad and ugly, from the beginning till the end im sure, ive grown in aspects and ways that i wont regret, met different people and experienced different things, none of it i regret.

i still love how my class always creates trouble in a not troublesome way.

‘EH CHER, NOT QUICKSILVER LAH, ITS SILVER SURFER”
‘EH CHER, what is microcope?”

anw, something i wanted to add, today, irwin came up to me and told me his friend thought i was handsome..
HA HA HA, i feel so thrilled.. cheap thrill actually.
this is the kinda thing you ignore on my blog

christopher

I’ve looked for love in stranger places,
but never found someone like you.
Someone whose smile makes me feel I’ve been holding back,
and now there’s nothing I can’t do.
somedays, i wished
after watching 500 days of summer, and remembering the pretty girl that sat beside me at starbucks not long ago.

i’ve decided to go starbucks more often now, in case the one might be there. hahahahaha.

its a very good show anw! certainly one of the best ive seen recently.

been catching the sun and swimming quite alot and im pretty happy, haha. they say exercise brings about a happier person.. maybe…

christopher

she has an amazing voice

christopher

stole my heart twice, hahaha

christopher

aiyo, sigh.

i really got what i wanted and more though i didnt want it, really what i deserved man.

ive been stuck at starbucks alone for a long time.

they say each person has a words spoken quota everyday to reach, starbucks is a good place to be if you want to NOT reach that quota.

my butt is numb from sitting too long and i cant pee cause my laptop is here.

there is a pretty girl sitting beside me.. HAHA

christopher

if you wanted to talk to me, im sure you would have.

dont leave me second guessing and thinking you dont want me around.

It’s official
You know that I’m missing you
Yeah yes
All I hear is raindrops
And I’m officially missing you

after a week since the previous post. I’m thinking, what has changed since then? As i reflected back, i guess, it would soon be no more than empty words if i dont act on it.

something that struck me
Matthew 7:12, Jesus said to do unto to others what you would have them do to you. Not DONT do to others what you DONT want them to do, goes 10 steps ahead by pointing out, love is doing and not passive.
To love even before being loved. If you want to be loved, first, love.
Of course the question next that doubts is… i love but no one loves me.
With all honesty, i believe with my heart, God will love you, He has already loved you by His first act of putting His Son on the cross and He wont stop there. Let Him relate and show how far He will go.

later in the evening, i received an email, regarding a lecturer and this boy named tommy
1 John 4:16
¹⁶And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.

indeed.. God speaks.

anw, today was cool, had abit of rest, made abit of food and i had this compelling feeling of cooking this whole week, haha. Did some cow time and really rested, went for a workout as well and to the doulos!

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after that, i wanted to talk to the crew about their experience and how i can join them, but i was too afraid :/

must pick up courage from the floor next time.

anw, i saw this person on my way to the doulos on the rooftop of vivo that looks uncanningly like someone i really know, so i called out her name in all confidence and realised that she was giving the huh? look and i thought, oohhhhkay…. walk away real fast now. ha ha ha, though, she is quite pretty thinking back.. hmmm HAHA.

woah, this is a heavy content post. last one for tonight

they stole my heart, hahahaha.

christopher

NO INSPIRATION TONIGHT.

BRAIN AT REST.

COME BACK TMR.

oh anw, today… something happened, something small, but upon reflection, it felt mighty awkward

christopher

If we’ve eyes to see
If we’ve ears to hear
To find it in our hearts and mouths, the word that saves is near
Shed that shallows skin
Come and live again
Leave all you were
To believe is to begin

inspiration dances all around us.

Malachi 3:3
He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; he will purify the Levites and refine them like gold and silver. Then the LORD will have men who will bring offerings in righteousness

it certainly has been a purifying time.

i know whats my problem now, with what i was given with, i have not done  justice to it. Chose to be passive about it.
It is no wonder, with what i was given with, i had not multiply and therefore i cannot be trusted with more and with what i had it was taken away as well.
Then, its not a wow, power decision that is majestic in proportion to your life. Its the small ways daily that I choose to deny myself and walk closely with God. Its the every second repentance and lived in grace. With then can i multiply what i have been given. To do what He would have me doing.

To show the extra portion of grace and love that is mine to willed but God’s strength given.

Like CS Lewis puts it in the Screwtape letters,
” The more often he feels without acting, the less he will be able ever to act, and, in the long run, the less he will be able to feel. “
im missing yo_
christopher

please stop.

im terribly sick, please stop all these. stop, get out. i dont want these things, not now, stop.

too much thoughts

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there’s just no one that gets me like you
You are my only my only one

i dont like knowing too much after i found out too much by my own curiousity. How annoying.

i dont like things too complexed because of other people involved. why cant things be this or that and nothing else? why the other, added… factors, confusion.
irritating how sometimes… clear signs are the least we show.

i feel rather.. bothered, but i’ll tell myself i’ll not be. i tell God, i’ll not be, because i’ll deny daily and walk closely.
there was only one, who could make my heart skip 10 beats
christopher