abandoned to Love and Grace

i’ll get over you, i know i will
i’ll pretend my ship’s not sinking
and i’ll tell myself im over you
cause im the king of wishful thinking

when you look around and see hurting people,
i wonder.. where do i go? am i there for someone? did i reach out? did i  reach out enough? had i been there, would i have been able to save a life? would God be able to have used me?

i used to be one of those hurting, and i still am, everyday, constantly, every inch of me. yet im healed, every part, every inch every min sec millisec, cause God heals me that i may go out and reach out to someone so that God can heal that person, 
have i reached far enough?  

over the weekend i realised that i neednt look far, the people who needed me the most to love them lives under the same roof and 4 walls as me. 

in the storms of life, is where you will find the secret place of God. like irony at its best with a suit and tie, so is God full of irony. 
In the violent most loudest storm of your life, He is there, seek hard enough and you will find God there.
Try hearing the captain speak to you in whispers out at sea during a storm the worst of its kind, and you will get a picture of hard it is to hear God in your storm.

no wonder not many find, yet you CAN,
reach for your captain during your storm, stick close to his side and near his heart, and you can hear him alright.  

christopher

You are my strength
Strength like no other
Strength like no other
Reaches to me

strength from God will reach us when we lift His name up

christopher

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you’re missing me, 
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be, 
Thinking maybe you’ll come back here to the place that we’d meet, 
And you’d see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

so im not moving
im not moving

lived under a false sense of security and not aiming to strive ahead and do what truly matters. 

is the worst kind of scenario i would think i would be in

christopher

hah, i never learn

exactly what God is showing me

life doesnt go the way we planned it always, haha

if you two start talking to each other, things would be much simpler. 
you have no idea how much it shows and how much it is affecting us

sigh

it felt like you didnt care, really, it did. it shows but it is of no imptance anw

Lord i love you, please help me to, trust and obey

second week of work has passed.

another week of stuff to deal with, work to handle, and its gonna intensify for sure.
ive gained some new perspectives and  insights, both positive and negative
life or rather God, has a way of putting things across to us in such a way that in some situations there are only two reactions and outcomes and its what you choose that defines you.  

i re-thought about what i really wanted out of life and it has definitely nothing to do with research. Ive worked two weeks in the research line and i think its terrible. i cant see myself relating to a couple of plated microalgae probably smaller than the cells of my body, day in day out thinking about those and really, it isnt my passion anymore 

Gone are the younger days where i wanted to be a scientist.

i suddenly find myself… not knowing what i want to do and back to square one. 

God has a really funny way, and the most cannot be understood methods to reach out to our souls and our lives.

Many times, i felt as though we as humans, simply put are so complexed in our thought process that we make every wrong decision available to us. We feel like we cant understand ourselves and human is human lah, every emotional feeling, physical strength, mental thought and wrong right conscious thought and every ounce of understanding we have will go into making decisions of our lives. 

thats why God does things that we cannot understand. cannot understand ourselves try and understand God. 

yet He whispers into our lives and has a hand in it each day. 

christopher

so work is like that… routinely, same journey there, same journey back. 

feels kinda sian after awhile and all i can do is sigh

christopher

Matthew 7:24-25

²⁴“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. ²⁵The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.

i feel awwwwful…

have we discounted the price Jesus paid on the cross? 

i have to capture this, its a random thought, 
wherever you are, struggling as a follower of Christ, in a dry season where You feel as if God is not speaking, not doing anything to help your circumstances. 

i believe, God has something to show us, we are not living a religion, we’re living a relationship with Christ and God and how you treat that relationship is a direct correlation with how much God can do with our lives, and putting us in a fix where we have no way but to question God, and to cry out with all you have and ask, “where are you?” that we’ll realised that its the way we’re living or something that we’re doing thats hindering us from hearing God’s divine instructions, and by divine, i mean divine…. if God is so infinite, i believe His words would be very very very special and of importance no one can comprehend. 

its like God has to do something drastic to get your attention because we’re simply not responding 

if you knew that, how would you react to God? you think any tom jane or eugene could hear from God? 
yet God choose to reveal His plans to some of the people on this earth, shows how much He loves us 

yet in your circumstance, you think you cant see God or feel God, or hear God, you think God isnt there and God isnt gonna ever see or know you. 

then i invite you to take a bold step to struggle with God in that area and see where He can lead you. 
Question, ask, walk with God and discover for yourself what God wants to tell you.

to everyone, God has something different to say,

this is what ive reflected and this is what i can share out of my current valley im walking in right now

its not about yourself or us

christopher

ive come to the point in my life again where im at a lost of where to go. 

i dont see, i cant feel, i wont move. 

ive been bothered by alot of things lately, things that bug me and things that had me at my heart’s end, and im not even trying to feel right, it has came to the stage of apathy where i simply just dont care anymore about anything other than my now, my present. 

its selfish but what can i do? ive got nothing left to motivate me on, nothing left to push me on
i didnt just go on a roller coaster ride of emotions and emoing now, i dont emo anymore, i need to think and reflect on where my life is heading and what am i doing about my life, cause i hate meaningless.  i cant find that meaning, im lost.  

im like a walking shell, empty. 

and i dont even know whats going on and what am i supposed to do. 

if God could hear me, i need an answer, 
or God could be like my earthly father, 
never there when i needed someone

my life is like  an organized mess

christopher

so many questions, 

i need an answer

Everything you say to me 
Takes me one step closer to the edge 
And I’m about to break 

you can never reconcile a misconception with something thats supposed to be real and truth, if you dont know whats truth. 
After all, truth is relative to what we believe in.  

there is so much i can take, before i explode
there is so much hatred i can take before i throw it all back at you face
i wont remain a nice guy anymore

so thread carefully

christopher

I saw you once, it was enough
You asked me what I wanted, I want you
But I replied, I’ll have some fries
So mesmerized, my heart was over driving through

HAHA, cute song by The Afters, a really cool christian band that im into right now, haha. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BA_LDKz3Tc0

work was fun today.. kinda… our seniors there are super funny, all university students and they are super fun to hang out with. 
Actually, the whole lab is kinda fun to be in, but well, fun ends there, there’s a pile of work to do everyday, hahaha. All i can think about these days are shake algae, observations, Logbook, Cmap, test here test there. confirm chop stamp plus many many guarantee in the later stages got loads of things to do. 

finally ran after a few days today, felt so so good, i think im a sports addict, haha. 

learn to breathe

christopher

it was yes-ter-day, we’re never going back to okay

so yeah, im working ‘overseas’ at some place, haha, those who know knows, and those who dont, dont. HAH

first day of work was basically wait 3 hrs for pass, wait 20 mins for bus wait for lady to come out, wait for safety officer half an hour, wait for supervisor 20 mins.
wait here wait there, at the end of the day, still tired, its the kind of, really want to stone tired, not study until tired tired. 

today was better, had some lab safety test to ensure that we’re ready for serious lab work and went into the lab to get a hang of what we were supposed to do and stuff. Fun but kinda looks like tim and i got loads to do, not for the work part, more on the project part, considering that we’ve got reports to do and all on top of the lab work and recordings. BUT, its fun, algae is green, i like green… and it helps your eyes relax so yeah… HAHA. still the same tired by the time i got on the bus for home. 

people around there generally older and nice

well, its kinda eye opening and it felt like our lab skills are gonna improve alot during these 3-4 months and its gonna be fun i guess. fear is that after awhile, it would seem pretty routinely and draining that you just feel like stoning and… like now, i dont even know what i want to say… HAHA. 

i need to spend some time with God too, i find that im stoning that i dont think of anything, which isnt good… i tend to then be very lazy and end up not thinking or having any thought process. 
cannot be lazy anymore, hahaha.

therefore stoning makes you stupid

christopher

im tired, im irritated, i found out part of what it means to bear the name of Jesus Christ. 

today i did alot of waiting, and my brain was in standby mode, and even so, not doing any thinking, im tired drained and very very sian.

donchknowwhy

more about attachement tmr, when i get some rest and spend another day overseas. 

christopher