abandoned to Love and Grace

making melodies in my heart

i was actually thinking about some stuff and felt a little bit sad and disappointed on the way home just now.
then i realized, how true joy is really, is how i can then, within my slight sadness and disappointment, tell God and then commit it to His hands and smile.

true joy

then again, i might look a bit retarded then… smiling to myself.

something funny went through my train of thoughts too while waiting for the bus which took awfully long to come.
I was tapping my feet to some groove on my ipod and then i looked left and saw this guy looking right obviously for the bus but i might lie in his line of sight so i thought… ‘wont i look stupid tapping my feet to him?’  then i thought, ‘why should i care what other people think of me???’ and started tapping harder and uh.. happier, hahaha.
fyi, i was so scared to forget to blog this piece of totally random irrelevant news of mine, i typed it into my phone so i wont forget, HAHA.

christopher

You have so many relationships in this life
Only one or two will last

i think i know how near death feels.

calm

hahaha, today while at the junction from Bukit Timah Plaza and the road across, there were two traffic lanes and thus two traffic lights, one on this side and one on the other side. The other side one turned green so i took it that it was for the whole stretch of road and began crossing, to my calm horror, when i turned right, cars were rushing to me and for a moment i just stoned…. and then took a step back. For awhile after that… i thought, i could have died, i honestly could have died and heck, i would be gone.

yesterday, i was so exhausted that when i took 166 from dover to clementi, i fell asleep and missed the stop before the interchange and went to the interchange.
i slept at work for quite some time
when i decided to leave early and took 105 from jurong east, i fell asleep AGAIN and missed my stop AGAIN and luckily reached holland before God woke me up.
these things dont usually happen on the same day right? haha

christopher

and oh, how could i not be moved, Lord here with you

this chorus has been stuck in my head on replay since this morning.

Deepening Spirituality Retreat has been everything and more, an affirmation, an inspiration, a nudge ahead, a refreshed time, a powerful indeed retreat that has got me changed.
God has a certain way to make all things fall into place in His really creative and the best way to reach each of us to the ways that we can relate to.

It felt awesome to just get away over the weekend to be just hearing and aligning with God’s heart all over again with everyone else. One thing that i felt God speak was that, we are family.
There’s nothing that no family cannot solve and cannot handle together with God’s love that compels us forward.
God moved, God spoke, God touched and it doesnt end there, now God leads and we follow!

i was thinking that whatever i felt before in the weeks prior to this retreat was something… that was weird. Cause it felt like it was something huge and burdening, but i found out the root cause of the burden and also the, guidance to lift it and ultimately into God’s hands. All in this retreat and it was quite funny cause, it doesnt feel so huge afterall.

Deuteronomy 31:8
⁸ The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

christopher

I KNEW IT

and im just waiting to fall in droplets, droplets

you left a mark
she left a mark
she left
he left
i dont need it

woah, i have irregular sleep patterns. the night before yesterday i slept at 1030pm, but i woke up at 920 the next day(which was yesterday) and went back to sleep around 3 plus till 6pm in the evening. i didnt sleep till 245am in the morning and woke up my earliest which was 710am this morning.

talk about weird and sleeping problems huh, hahaha.

im getting back my semester results tmr morning. All the time spent in ICES since march and imma get a grade that im gonna love or hate tmr, but whatever it is, i’ll still thank God anw. It is confirmed, i have 3 more weeks full time at ICES before i go back to school! wow, time flies.

its funny how emotions can sway us.
i want to do the things i should do but dont, i do the things that i know i dont want to do, but still do. Even after knowing what i should and should not do. How like the trees being blown by the wind is myself being blown by emotions. Strange that a small emotion can blur your heart and cloud your mind to truths. I had to struggle with all that today, and it occured to me that im not as strong in the Lord as i set myself out to be.

isnt it strange how we all get a little bit weird sometimes

ive been reading screwtape letters and it certainly is a very interesting read and hard to grasp, but truths in it cant be potrayed any deeper then CS Lewis has.

christopher

where is the love, its not enough
it makes the world go round and round

i met up with my DG leader for dinner and it was interesting cause he shed light on things that i needed wisdom on and i didnt really know how to communicate it, but he was able to anw.
something he was pondering on reached out to me slightly too and it was the justice of God and His nature of being just. I wonder, are we caught up with grace that we forget our Father who has the character of  just as well? Its like… He will not let any mistake go un-taught and put bluntly, He will not let any wrongdoing go without its consequence. Be it the trials you’re in or God being silent or not getting any direction or not hearing God (trust me, i know this all too well) , it may be God’s loving way of teaching you that some aspects of your life has just gotta change.

⁷ The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge,
but fools despise wisdom and discipline.
Proverbs 1:7

i love to read minyi’s blog, minyi if you’re reading this!! i love to read your blog! It has many insights and perspectives that touch my soul and reach in deep, that resonate within my spirit and in an agreement to better myself in the aspects and oh how i want to write like you/her!

christopher

come here and cry on my shoulder

im leaving a trail of breadcrumbs, would you follow?

christopher

but i never told you what i should have said
no, i never told you, i just held it in

it was then.. i decided, i was gonna stop feeling so swayed and to think about it.
to hold out… no matter what, no turning back, no questions and no more of these feelings.
none of it that ive felt for so long ago.

ive been away too long Lord, been around and about thinking that i was self-sufficient, doing things that didnt matter and wasting my time.

NO MORE! haha

you are my ten thousand roses
and i let you go

christopher

today i thought that life was weird.

very very weird indeed, a certain way thats just, indescribable.

so much on my mind.
sometimes, i hate what you do  to me
christopher

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there

dont think when im quiet it means im okay
dont think that you can treat me like this  and i’ll always take it in and not say anything
dont think i can be nice all the time
because dang i get hurt too.
not when you walk out and thought that i was gonna remain the same.
rubbish

anw, today i went out to town on my own again, to hunt some hanson CD’s and i didnt get what i wanted but got something else anw, so im happy with it!

on the bus to and fro i decided to observe the people around me and after awhile i thought that they might think that im weird for staring at my surroundings so intently. Didnt help that i was struggling to hold my sneeze and kept sniffing, wondering if they noticed me and would give me the dirty H1N1-get-away-from-me look.
anw, i observed tired people who just wants to get home and a home sicked little girl, hahaha.

i started sniffing while i was out if you’re thinking im an inconsiderate singaporean.

i dont believe that 2009 has 3 and a half more months.

christopher

i love this video and song.

something’s been going on, and i dont know what it is.

im no fool, dont take me for granted.

okay. i just bought colbie caillat’s CD and its really very relaxing to hear, her voice is beautiful, but… her songs, some are just emo in a very nice way.. hahaha.
its just not very nice, what you did
lately, ive got 5 unidentified huge red dots appear on me and i wonder what they could be man.

i must tell you of my dream last night…
i dreamt of this huge book of revelations like falconish evil bird flying all over this unknown place.. like a cave and it was just hovering around kinda striking fear first then it landed and there were two groups of people on either side and left a narrow passage for the birdieguy to land and walk.
turns out, he was a human alright and he told us that he was gonna… make all males not able to help their wives bear kids and thats how the world was gonna end.

weirddd…

ah, for once, im hungry and there. is. no. food. at home! sucks

christopher

and i cant breathe..
without you but i have to.. breathe

i thought i dont, but i do
i felt like i shouldnt care, but i did
i tried not to be bothered, but i am
i believed i had cleanly forgotten it and put it all behind,

i still dont.
suddenly, im the man who thought i moved, but couldnt move.

in the end.. haha, God always comes through and saves the day. had i not feared and worried and knew that He was gonna sweep in and show Himself strong.
then again, if i didnt fear and stood firm, a lesson wouldnt have been so aptly learnt and timely applied that i could share as a testimony.

ive always thought.. God is humorous and totally out of this world, i still think that way.

ahhh, what a week has passed. im just glad the next one is coming, and the next and the next and the next and the next and the next and the next and the next and the next and the next and the next and the next and the next and the next and the next and the next and the next and the next and the next and the next and the next and the next and the next and the next

christopher

there’s no light to guide my rusty halo

its… very doubting sometimes, of your own abilities when you’ve got nothing on yourself to show that you’re something.  A very good and humbling reminder that it is not us that makes us something of ourselves but God that makes something out of us.

you cannot do God’s work if you can hear from the big boss himself. That much i figured this week.

It has been a spell, a lazy spell for me, so much i want to do, so much i can do, so much i didnt do.
i wonder.. what for? do so much, striving because i want to be good at things because i am not now. Its a demoralizing feeling to know you cant do alot of things many others can. To gain an acknowledgement from friends, that you are something in their eyes. Its weird how this cycle goes…. you beat yourself up about it, then you strive harder and there’s always someone better no matter how high up you go. All just for some recognition from the people closest to you

i am but a child.. having more than just myself to look out of and learn. im impatient with the things that dont agree with me. i cannot focus on the things impt to me. i cannot THINK when i need to. i cannot love when i have to.

oh how much more… God i need you
i am nothing.

christopher

if i just breathe…let it fill the space between
i’ll know, everything is alright… breathe

some comic relief at boring work

xiner has been praising me nonstop and it really makes me crazy happy and egoistic… HAHA.
kidding.

anw, ive remembered some stuff, like how hosea left his virus infected bottle in church and i desperately needed water and conveniently forgotten it was his. Fay kept scaring me and how malicious this bug was… BUT IM STILL FINE, in your face you stupid bug.

if you havent checked out hanson, please do, their middle of nowhere is on youtube. they are a band by the way.

today at work, the sky looked possessed and black literally and just.. woah. almost as if some flying saucer would descend and demand us to take them to our leader. which would be a problem actly… would that be God or the president?
hmm…

would blogging about deep stuff be emo?
i havent got anything deep of late because i havent been thinking much.. ha ha.
or im too LAZY.

have got to fight this lazy thing thats growing in me. soon i’ll be a big monster

christopher