abandoned to Love and Grace

i will sing, i will praise, even in my darkest hour, through the sorrow and the pain

im only… 19.
i should be entitled to game all day, pig out on food, get a girlfriend, experience life to its fullest! Have fun out at late nights, chilling by the beach on weekends. Hanging out at friend’s houses watching dumb lame shows and laughing the night away.  Not caring what the world thinks and live life the way i want it to.
Why, do i feel so small? With so much other things to think about, why do i have to think about cell groups, think about the structure, think about how it all will work out and it isnt my work but God’s work. Why do I have to be this, that, restrained, why do i have to think this way? to look at life differently, to exercise a bigger portion of patience, grace, love and self control when i really cant, and when i am so fallible. Why does it all seem immensely bigger than me, but God being bigger than me is even more overwhelming. Why do i have to sit in a meeting of 25 over years old young adults just to feel so small in it. Heck, i feel like im not up to it, WHY PUT ME THERE.

why do i have to be who i am when sometimes i dont want to even be me, if that even makes a fraction sense.

and all for it, to know myself that i am and will not be appreciated, and i am not supposed to do for the appreciation anyway.

but for a moment, it feels like shit to be me seriously. Like i was thought of second or not thought of for and just used.

^{Job 2:10
10} He replied, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.

shall we accept good from God and not trouble? sigh

for the moments rambling and whining and an all come judge the living daylights outta me kinda tone i had, i just needed to let that all out, the moments frustration since this morning, since yesterday, since i dont know when.
I. must. let. out.

primary school kids these days also, know the word emo already. How times have changed.
ashley(Nat’s cousin) probably wont see this, but she totally made my day today, haha

christopher